White
by creativeserialkiller
Summary: Roxas was in an accident and he might be addicted to pain-killers. Axel is blaming himself for what happened and Roxas is keeping a secret.
1. Chapter 1

_White. In the white, it's all around me. Enveloping and swallowing me whole, there's nothing else left. I fade away from the world as it takes me and I let it, because the pain stops and the fear stops. All that is in the white is good, and love and hope and want. I want to be there. It is comfort and joy and happiness._

 _The white is beautiful and breathtaking, and_ silent _most of all. I float in it, bodiless with only thoughts of being loved and being wanted and then something comes through._

 _Beep…_

 _Beep…_

 _Beep…_

 _"He's back!"_

 _Beep…_

 _Beep…_

 _Beep…_

 _And then the pain comes through, too, and the world edges into my consciousness and then there's only black._

…

Blobbish faces surround me, hovering over me. They're all dressed in black, but that's all I can make out. Just black, and some neon blurs. A bright aqua comes into focus and familiarity strikes me; that's Demyx' scarf. I raise my hand to find him, to touch the green but it aches too much and I let it fall again.

Bright red spikes, bright blue eyes, feathery pink hair. I recognize these as they slowly clear up and I smile.

Memories dance on the edge of my brain, turning summersaults and shaking their ass just out of reach of my consciousness. I close my eyes. Seeing hurts too much, not remembering hurts. I know them all, I go to school with them. Xigbar is my teacher. We're friends.

I know them, but what are they doing here? Why am I here? Why does it hurt so bad? Everything hurts so much. There's so much pain and _god_ I miss the white. I miss the good feelings. I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. I open my mouth to tell them it hurts, to tell them to help me, to _beg_ for help but they don't hear me because I can't say anything.

Nothing comes out of my mouth but a whine and then the blackness comes back and everyone is gone.

…

My eyes are slits and I can make out red spikes and lavender hair. I shake my head at them because words won't come out. I shake my head to tell them to go away, that they don't need to be here where there's only pain and _god_ there's so much pain. I move my mouth but it doesn't move, it doesn't listen.

There are words and then they're at my bed, and more words but I can't hear them over the roar of pain in my head. I shake my head again, because I don't hear them and blackness edges my vision.

Before it takes me away I start to cry and an angel walks in the room, all in white like the white that was so perfect and I close my eyes and wait for her to take me away from here.

…

She didn't take me away. That's my first thought when I wake up. I'm not back in the white, I'm awake. Everything is crisp and clear. The room is white, but it's the wrong kind. This is a clean white, a sterile one. When I try to sit up pain shoots through my body.

"Roxas?" A tone that's bordering on hesitant cuts into the crispness of the room. "Are you awake? Can you hear me?"

I try to reply, but the words won't form. I nod, instead. Red spikes and emerald eyes come into my vision. I know him. I _know him_ , I swear I do. Memories, dancing, just out of reach.

"Are you okay? Should I get the nurse? God, Roxas- I'm so sorry, I- jesus, I'm sorry." He rests his hand on mine, gently, and the man looks so upset. So troubled, I want to comfort him but I can't bring myself to move. It hurts too much. "Talk to me, please, I've been so-"

"He's awake?" My eyes snap to the nurse that walked in the room. "You should have come to get me." She scowls. "You need to go so we can do an assessment."

The redhead's hand slides away, but I reach out and catch it. I can't remember who he is, but he looks so dejected. He squeezes my hand and I look at the nurse. She gives me a hard look. "He wants me to stay."

I nod, and the redhead smiles. That seems to make him feel better.

"Fine, you can stay. If you start causing trouble, you have to leave."

The man snorts and I hear a giggle. Was it mine? I don't linger on the thought, my head hurts too much to think.

A doctor comes in not long after, and they ask me a bunch of questions. I shake my head, sometimes, and nod other times. They try to get me to talk and when I don't they make the man with the spiked hair leave, and I'm alone with the doctor.

Do I understand what they're saying? Do I know who I am? Do I know where I am? Do I remember my name? They make me write it down when I won't say it. R-O-X-A-S, S-T-R-I-F-E. They ask me question after question, make me write down when I can't answer. My head is pounding by the end of it, and they tell me they'll call my guardian and then leave.

Who's my guardian? Flashes of blonde hair in my memory. A bad haircut. I close my eyes and long for sleep that the pain won't allow.

A dull throbbing through my entire body, that jolts when I move. I manage to raise my arms to look at them, and they're wrapped in bandages. Tight, white ones with red that seeps through when I turn them and the wounds underneath tear open. I reach up and feel my head, and find very little hair. They shaved my head when they drained the blood from my brain.

They said I was hit by a car while I was riding my bike, and I hit the road and slid. They said they haven't found who hit me, that there are no leads. That the police will want to talk to me later. I didn't say anything.

Eventually a nurse came in with a tray of food. Chicken and dumplings, vanilla pudding and apple juice. I drain the juice, the only thing that tastes like anything, and leave the tray on the table beside my bed. I'm starving, but two bites in and I started feeling nauseous.

I know I'm Roxas. I just don't know if I know that because the redhead told me, or because I know who I am. I don't know who he is. I don't know my guardian's name. They said he's my brother, and when I asked about my parents they wouldn't tell me anything. I don't know my brother's name. I don't know much.

I remember my teacher at school. I remember that I'm wary of him, but not why. I remember that I go to Ovar Highschool, and that I have a lot of friends there. My friends that came to see me while I was here. The redhead… He's my friend, or he wouldn't have been here. I've been thinking about him since he left. I wish he were here, and I don't know why.

My head hurts so much, too much to try and keep thinking about it so I don't. I just close my eyes and try to drift out of consciousness until my brother gets here.

…

"Roxas, I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up, I was working. Are you okay? Do you need anything? They said you can't leave yet, for at least a week but they want to wait until you can walk or until you start talking. They said you're not talking. Why aren't you talking? Is it because you hit your head? Or did they make you mad? Remember how you..." I stop listening. He's just talking and talking and not waiting for an answer, and even though I don't remember him, I know it's normal for him.

They switched my pain medication, and this one makes me feel closer to the white. There's only good feelings when they put it in my IV bag. Good feelings, and humor because everything's funny. He just keeps talking and talking, and I laugh.

He stops talking and smiles, then starts back again. "Sorry, I'm not even giving you time to answer. I was really worried. Are you okay?"

I nod. I'm good. I want the white back, but this is a good start.

"Namine wanted to come see you, but she isn't feeling good. She's sick, I think with the flu. I almost couldn't come see you, but I didn't feel sick and I haven't been at home much. So I don't think I have any germs. How do you feel?"

I just look at him. At this boy with a silly haircut. Like a Mohawk and a mullet at the same time. He said he works. How did he get a job with such a silly haircut?

"Please say something Roxas, I've missed you so much. If it's hard it's okay, I talk enough for both of us, but-"

He really cares about me. My brother. This guy. I nod, and he stops talking. He waits, and I work my tongue and practice before I try to speak. "Thanks." For caring. For coming to see me. I don't know him, but I know he cares about me.

He starts crying, and that's not what I wanted at all. I sit up, even though it hurts, and he gently hugs me. "I was so scared for you Roxas. Namine and even Kairi and Sora. Axel and Zexion and Xigbar and Marluxia. Everyone. Everyone was so scared for you. We thought you weren't going to- Roxas, what happened?"

I shake my head and he pulls away, but keeps his arms around me. I don't even know his name. I don't remember his name, and I don't remember what happened to me.

"It's fine, you don't have to talk. I- I can't stay, I'm sorry, I'm working but- but if you need me to, I can call off for the day. He gave me an extra-long break to come see you, but I can stay if you need me."

I shake my head, no, it's fine, you can leave. Even though I want him here.

He leaves, then, and it's time for the police to ask me questions. I just watch them, stare at them while they question me. I don't know the answers, and it's too hard to talk anyway. My mouth doesn't listen to my brain.

The police leave and it's time for dinner. I don't eat it, I'm not hungry when I'm on the pain medicine. I just feel good. I keep thinking about the man with red hair. When is he coming back? Today? When? I hope soon. My brother said I'll have more visitors tomorrow, that everyone is coming. I just looked at him. What else could I do?

…

When I wake up everything hurts. My arms, my legs, my skin and bones and head. I push the button for the nurse, and she comes and adds the liquid to my IV. I feel better soon after, and when they bring me breakfast my stomach feels queasy and I put it aside. I don't want to eat, I want to remember, but I don't have to care right now. All I have to do is sit here and feel good.

And remember the white. The white, the good, happy feelings of the white. Where everything was perfect and happy, and there was no pain. No pain and no confusion, and my head didn't hurt and I didn't _need_ to talk because no one else was there. It was just me and the comfort.

I pick up the notepad and pencil that they left me. I write down what I want.

 _More pain killers_

They 'up the dose' as they call it. My body feels numb and there's an empty gray in my head. It's not the black of sleep, or the white comfort that I long for with everything inside of me, but it's close and I close my eyes and feel it.

…

My brother is back. The emo kid called him Demyx, in a condescending tone. There's a man with pink hair, too, and a pirate. I laugh when I see the pirate. He's not real, I must be imagining him. But no, he's holding my brother's hand.

Demyx said Sora and Kairi are here, as well. I don't like Sora and Kairi. A boy and a girl. They look like me, but healthy and not injured. With darker eyebrows and probably hair, if I had any hair. They won't look at me, just stand in the back awkwardly. I don't look at them after that. They give me bad feelings. I just want the white.

The emo kid is Zexion, and Marluxia is the pink one. I learn their names just listening. Namine isn't here, and the redhead isn't here. Demyx said that Namine, Axel, Larxene and Xion will be here to see me later. I hope one of those is the redhead. I keep thinking about him.

Zexion has been staring at me. Studying me, and he seems off. I don't know. Maybe he's just weird. I smile at him, and he narrows his eyes. Like I did something wrong. He doesn't say anything, though, and neither do I.

Demyx is sitting on my bed, and everyone else is either standing or taking up the chairs for visitors. I like Demyx. I decided that when he brought me a cellphone. My cellphone, he said. He's also nice, and seems kind of childish, but he must be pretty smart if he's my guardian.

I'm 17, I know that. I know that I like to draw. I drew a picture of the redhead after lunch. It's pretty good. At least, Zexion recognized him and said it was pretty good. I don't know anything else about me except that I go to school, and that the pirate must be my teacher. Xigbar. That's his name, if he's my teacher.

"I did some reading," Marluxia begins, arm twisting around Zexion's waist. "And it's fairly common after a head injury to lose the ability to speak."

Zexion chimes in, next. "And to forget other things." He says, quietly. I scowl at him, trying to look confused.

I focus, hard, and slowly manage a word. "No." Is all I say. That seems to confirm something for him because he leans back in his chair, crossing his arms, but he doesn't say anything.

I'm surrounded by strangers and I'm ready for bed.

…

I walked to the bathroom. I wasn't supposed to, and I had to take my IV-holder-thing with me, but I did it. It hurt more than any pain I can think of, my head was pounding and by the time I got there I was sweaty and pale and couldn't walk back- but I did it. They told me it was 'foolish', but that I did better than they thought I could have done and if I keep it up I could leave in a week.

They said my brain wasn't hemorrhaging anymore, that I had no internal injuries, that basically I was just bruised and beat up. That it was going to hurt for a long, long time, and that the more I moved around the quicker I'd heal up. But that I wasn't allowed to do anything without 'supervision', and they moved me to a new place in the hospital.

With a new nurse, and I like her. Her name is Aqua.

…

The redhead is back. He's sitting beside my bed, but he won't really look at me and all he'll say is comments about what's on TV, or he's cracking jokes about hospital food. He said he's sorry he didn't visit sooner, that he wasn't sure if I wanted to see him.

He finally breaks the awkward tension. "…I'm sorry, Rox. This is all my fault. You have every right to hate me."

I sit up, swing my legs over the side of the bed, and wince from the pain. I found pictures of him on my phone. Of us. We're together, as in a couple, or at least we were. The way he's acting now, I can't tell.

How is it his fault? Did he hit me with the car? Was he the driver? I don't think so. I think he did something else. I can't remember what, but I remember bits and pieces of us. Of us going out. Skating, once. And memories of eating _Taco Bell_ at his house. I know it's his house. I'm remembering things, and my head hurts a little less when I think about him.

I don't want him to feel bad, but I don't know what he did. I reach out, touch his shoulder and he finally looks at me. "It's okay." I say slowly, carefully. I don't know what he did but I don't want him to be so upset. It's not like it matters anyway, if I can't remember. It's like it never happened.

Then his arms are around me and I'm against his chest and I hug the stranger like I haven't been held in my entire life. He makes me feel so much better. Safer. Loved. Loved like in the white, and I know that this man loves me and that I loved him before the accident. (Was it an accident? The details are so fuzzy, no one knows what happened and no one will talk about it.)

When the redhead leaves, I close my eyes and sit back. Axel. His name is Axel and my head hurts and I take some pills to help and the gray comes back, but before that, I remember his name is Axel.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I'm surprised that I've written this much. I'd say there's been about a two-week time pass from the last chapter.

I can't find my room. Demyx dropped me off (and helped me walk into the house, so I wouldn't get too tired) and then left for work, and told me Namine is in 'our' room. I share a room with a girl, and memory tells me Sora and Kairi share a room. That's right, I'm remembering stuff. Just not which room is which.

I lean against the wall as I walk, my whole body aching from so much exercise, and try to find the right room.

My arms and legs are covered in bright red scabs where I apparently slid across the road. My hair is a little thicker now, but not thick enough to cover where my head hit the ground. I'm thin, according to Demyx, and when I look at myself in the mirror I'm pale. I look sick, and I guess, in a way, I am sick.

I push open the first door, and find Sora and Kairi huddled on a bunkbed, hunched over some papers. I frown when they scowl at me. "I'm home." I state, carefully forming the words. Nice cover for walking into their room unannounced.

"Yeah, hey."

"Welcome home."

I pull their door shut, and carry on down the hallway. The next door reveals an empty bedroom, and I assume it's Demyx'. I turn to cross the hall, to get to the doors opposite these- but a short, blonde girl is standing in a doorway.

"Roxas? What are you doing?" She asks, voice small and weak.

I don't answer. I can't think of an excuse and talking is a pain in the ass.

"Come sit down, you look tired."

I do, and when I enter the room, memories come back. Memories of hanging my drawings on the walls, of pushing furniture around with Namine, of picking out furniture to make the room perfect.

There's a bunkbed in one corner, and a nightstand beside it- and then at the top one, a shelf has been drilled into the wall so it has a nightstand too. There's a vanity mirror and a wardrobe, and random knick-knacks everywhere. There are drawings and paintings that cover the walls, and a fuzzy, blue rug that covers the hardwood floor.

I sit down on the bottom bunk, where Namine pats beside her. She gives me a quick, gentle hug and I know it's normal for her. She's always gentle, always soft and small. And timid. She's a very timid person. "Hello," I say.

"I'm sorry I couldn't come and see you. The hospital wouldn't have let me if I tried. I've been sick." She shrugs. "As usual. How are you feeling?"

"Better." And it's true. They gave me strong painkillers, with three refills. I took five, and there's gray in my head. It's the closest I can get to finding the white. It's like a mixture of being awake, asleep and relaxed all at once. It's just a good feeling, indescribable. "Thanks."

"What happened? You can write it down, if you don't feel like talking."

"Don't know." And for the first time, I actually tell someone. I trust her. She's my sister, and of course I trust her. "Can't… Remember."

"What can't you remember?" She asks, almost accusingly. She's looking at me the same way Zexion was, and I wonder if he said something to her. They're good friends, according to memory. "The accident?"

"…Yeah." I don't know why I don't want to tell anyone. They would be upset and worried and stressed. I guess that's why I don't want them to know. "Namine."

"Yeah? What's wrong?"

"Sleep." I reply, softly. I'm exhausted. I walked through the hospital, through the parking lot and from the car to the house. It feels like the time me and Axel did the walk for the homeless. Three miles under the hot sun. I'm starting to remember Axel, even if I can't remember anything else.

"Is it okay if we both sleep on the bottom?" She asks. "I'm too weak to climb up to the top, and I know you wouldn't make it up."

"That's fine." I reply. Practice talking, the doctor said. I may never get back to where I was, but it'll get easier and I'll be able to speak more fluently the more I talk.

I painfully help her pull the blankets down, and we both crawl into bed. She lays on my chest, and asks if it hurts. I say no, wrapping an arm around her. She's shivering, so I pull the blankets up. We can be miserable together.

I scan my head for more about Namine. What do I know about her? She's a cancer survivor. The chemo left her vulnerable to illness, and she gets sicker than other people when she does get sick. And she and I both already had weak immune systems. We both don't get along with Kairi and Sora, even though I don't know why that is. I just know it's true. It's been us versus them for years, for whatever reason. I feel an ache in my chest about it. One that isn't from the accident.

After a while, she looks up at me. "What's wrong? Your heart is racing."

"What happened?" I ask after a moment. "The wreck…"

There's a long, drawn-out silence in which thoughts flicker through my head. Anxious ones. Maybe I don't want to know, maybe Axel did it, maybe it wasn't an accident, maybe I just don't want to know.

Finally, she answers. "How much do you remember? Of the day?"

"None."

"Jeez…" She gently squeezes me, a comforting gesture. "You and Axel were arguing, and after he- well, you took off. Just ran from the party and across the road- I chased you, and I saw when the car hit you. It was coming around the corner, you weren't looking and it just slammed into you." Her fingers curl into my shirt. "Roxas, it was awful to see. I thought you were dead for sure. You went over the car and hit the road, and it just kept going. We got you to the hospital as soon as we could, but… Gosh, Roxas. It was so bad."

"Sorry." I hug her. "I'm here." I'm alive. Alive and in the gray.

"I'm so happy you're okay, Roxas."

And we drift off, from gray to the black of a dreamless sleep. All that I can think about is how much I want the white to come back. How much I want the pain to stop and how when I was in the white, there was _no_ pain. Only good feelings. I need those feelings back.

…

I wake up to someone tapping at the bedroom door, and I open my eyes. I sit up, slowly, careful not to wake Namine, and hobble to the door. Axel is on the other side, smiling hesitantly at me.

We got in a fight the day I was hit. It caused me to run off, and that's why I got hit. He blames himself for it, but I don't blame him. I'm the one that ran out into the road. I smile back at him, and when he opens his arms I just about fall into them. It feels so nice when he touches me. Such comfort and I feel so loved. It's nothing like the white, though. Not as good.

"Axel." I mumble into his shirt.

"I love you Roxas. I'm happy you're home."

He loves me even though I'm ugly, even though I'm nearly balled and even though I look like shit. I don't remember if I loved him, though. I don't remember enough about him to know if I do now. "You too." I say, because he seemed to be waiting and that seems to satisfy him. He pulls back.

"Did I wake you up? You can go back to-"

"No… Movie." I suggest, pointing towards the livingroom.

"You wanna watch a movie?" He asks, sliding an arm around my waist. "Yeah, anything."

And he carries me to the couch, and I lay on him and it feels right to do. Like it's something we've done before, and I'm sure we have. We settle in, and he flips through the channels until he finds some action movie that's only been on for about twenty minutes. We just lay on the couch together, staring at the screen but lost in our own thoughts.

I'm thinking about Axel. Looking for memories. Looking for things we've done together, times we've had. Trying to remember the fight, most of all. What was so bad about it that I ran away? I wish I could ask him, but he'd know I don't remember. Enough people are suspicious of me, but no one has outright accused me of anything so I'm not telling anyone. And it's not like I don't remember anything at all… I remember the people, I still feel close to some people and I feel the dislike between Sora and Kairi and I. I just don't have the memories leading up to those feelings.

I could trust him. I know that. If I told him the truth, that my head isn't working. He'd help, he wouldn't leave and he wouldn't tell anyone. I know it. I just don't want him worried and upset. It's stupid, this is all just stupid.

I hear sirens and look at the screen, watching as a man jumps from one car to another whilst speeding down a highway. The other car swerves off, smashing into a guard-rail and the driver crashes through the windshield and

 _Blurry vision, bright lights coming for me. I realize too late that they're_

"Roxas!" I'm sitting up, leaning against Axel who's holding me tightly. Too tightly, it hurts. I shrug his arms off of me. "Roxas, what happened? Are you okay?"

I'm shaking, fingers and lips numb. I realize that I'm breathing fast and hard, almost as hard as my heart is beating. I shake my head no, because I'm _not_ okay and because that was terrifying. I don't know what it was or what happened but it was bad. I cling to Axel.

"Was it the car crash? I'm sorry- I should have thought- We can do something else, or watch something else, or- or, I don't know, I'm so sorry." He rambles on. "Do you need anything?"

I don't reply, just close my eyes and relax a bit when his lips touch my forehead.

…

Six painkillers. Okay, seven. Seven is enough to make me stop thinking about it.

I realized, today: people don't know. They don't know how much confusion there is in my head. They don't know how much I hurt, how much I miss the White, how much I need the White. They don't know how I can't remember and how I'm completely lost most of the time.

Namine doesn't ask why I stay in my room all day, every day. Axel doesn't ask why I won't go out with him anymore. Demyx asked why I'm so cold to everyone now, but I'm not trying to be. I just don't remember how I used to be. I don't want them to think I'm someone else, but in that I realize that no one knows.

It's too late to tell them now. Almost two months without telling anyone. Two months of faking and pretending that I'm just normal Roxas, just an 'after the accident' Roxas. They think that's all it is. I'm a good pretender, I think.

Maybe I'll take eight. Maybe I'll take the whole bottle. The more I take, the lighter the Gray and closer to White. Maybe if I take enough I'll be back in the white, floating and being loved and wanted and belonging. I belong there. In the White. Not here. Not anywhere like here.

This place is confusion and pain and wrong, and memories that I can't see and people I don't know and people that don't know _me_ because they can't, because I'm not Roxas anymore I'm no one. Every memory I have that I remember brings me closer to being Roxas again, but not the last one. Not the last memory.

The one of mom and dad treating Kairi and Sora better. The one where Demyx moved out and mom and dad stopped having to hide the abuse. The one where Namine and I were beaten and hurt and abused. That memory wasn't a good one, but it played like a movie in my head and I rushed to the bottle of pills that can help.

I'll take nine. Nine is enough to stop thinking about it. Nine is enough to kill the pain the memories are causing. I don't know if I even want to be Roxas again. Roxas had a hard life. He has nice friends, but he had a hard life and I don't know if I want that.

I just want the White back.

…

Namine found my empty bottles. Demyx and Namine and Axel and Xion are here. Xion is little and quiet, serious and smart. They're all here, trying to find out how many I've been taking. How often, how many at once, is it even for the pain anymore?

I remember a lot now. Three months in and I'm almost Roxas again. I remember Axel and Demyx and my family. I remember Zexion is dating a bartender and Demyx is dating my teacher at school.

School. I'm supposed to go back soon, but I only have one more bottle of painkillers and I don't think I can get through school. I don't know which classes were mine, I don't remember my schedule or the layout of the school or anything about it.

My hair is growing back, finally thick enough to cover my scalp. To cover the scars. I look like a normal boy again, sort of. I run my fingers through the hair as they all talk, as they all interrogate me.

"Are you addicted? Is that why you've been acting so weird?" Axel demands, and when I don't answer and don't look at him he throws the empty bottle at the wall. "Roxas, _talk to me_. Is this about the fight? Are you mad at me?" He sounds so hurt. So much pain in his voice. There wasn't that pain in the White.

"No." I reply, finally. "I'm not mad."

"Then what's going on?" Xion asks, softly. "You had months of pills, and two bottles are gone in three months. That's not okay."

"It hurts. My body hurts."

"They shouldn't have prescribed so many." Namine. "They're highly addictive. We're taking the pills."

"No!" I almost scream at them. "You can't!" I need them to help me. I need them. I need them when I remember bad things. I need them every time I have to go outside, every time I have to cross a road or every time I hear a car coming. I need one every time I hear the screech of tires grinding to a halt, every time my head aches with an almost-memory. I need them.

"Then tell us what's going on! Why you won't talk to us! Are you depressed?" For once, Demyx doesn't have a lot to say. He's as lost as they are.

I don't think I'm depressed. I think that the White, whatever it was, took away my ability to live life. Once I was there, I knew there was nothing else to compare to it. Nothing but the White compares to the drugs, either. I need them. OxyContin.

I don't answer, I try to go to my room but Namine dashes ahead and when I get there she has my third bottle. The last bottle. "Give them to me." I command her, holding my hand out. "They're mine."

"What happens when you run out?" She crosses her arms, holding the bottle tightly. "You go buy more on the street? I'm calling the doctor tomorrow-"

"No!" I've had _enough_ of doctors and police and people I don't know. I've had enough trying to remember life. I need my pills and I need them _now_. I lunge for her, and she jumps back, startled and drops the pills. I take them, and shove her out of the room. I slam the door, lock it. "Go away! All of you! Go away!"

…

Axel is in my room when I wake up. I sit up, fast, but it's no use. The bottle isn't on my nightstand anymore. They took it and I won't get it back. I know that. I'm shaky and jittery, my body is cold. The medication wore off already.

"I need more, Axel." I plead.

"You can't. I'm sorry, I know-"

"You _don't know anything_!" I scream at him and he's shocked, hurt. "Go away! Get out of my room!"

He sits down on the edge of my bed, ducking so the top bunk doesn't hit his head. "You would never talk to me like that. Not even when we fought. Do you love me?" His voice is so soft, so hesitant, so afraid.

"Did I love you before?" Before the accident, before the car, before the pills and before the White.

"Yes," He's confused, now. "At least, you said you did. You acted like it. You don't anymore."

It feels like I do. "I love you." I state, but he's skeptical.

"Roxas. This is about more than the pills. Something else is going on. You've got to tell me."

"I don't have to do anything." I glare at him. A hard glare. Angry. Spiteful.

"Do you want to break up? Is that it?"

"No! Axel-" He's asked me before. He asked me when we fought.

 _The night of the party. Yelling. Flashes of lights coming at me. Before that, though. His lips on her lips. Cheating. Hurt, it hurts so much. I run, run outside and light. White light, bright and glaring and then pain, darkness and pain and then no more pain and just the White._

"Why would you kiss her?" I demand, tears welling in my eyes. They sting. Burn, too hot. "Why would you do that to me?" The fight, he called it. The fight. The kiss, more like.

"I didn't mean it, Roxas. I swear, I was drunk and we were dancing. She was drunk, too. We were just dancing and then- I don't know, Roxas, I don't even remember how it happened." He doesn't remember or he doesn't want to? "I love you, though, and I don't want to lose you. I did once already. I can't lose you again. Please don't leave me, Roxas." He's crying, too, but he wipes the tears away and pretends that he isn't.

I let mine fall. "You never lost me. What are you talking about?"

"The car?"

"But I'm _fine_. I don't-"

"You _died_ , Roxas, didn't they tell you?" His hands are on my shoulders, studying my face and he can tell by my expression that no, they didn't tell me. I had no idea.

The good feelings, the comfort, the love, the _White_. I died, I _died_ and that's what there was. The White. Dead. I died when that car hit me. I was dead, the white, the White. My head is spinning, I feel sick, like I might puke and the room is spinning and I cling to Axel for support. He holds me, tight and he won't let me fall.

I don't want to die. I don't want the White anymore.

"I don't remember so much, Axel." I cry, sob into his shirt. "I didn't remember you or Demyx or anybody, I can't remember school, I can't remember who I was before. I don't remember so much."

The only sound for a long time is the sound of me crying. When he finally speaks, I feel a little better. "You should have told us, Roxas. It's okay. You should have told us. We can help."

…

I'm seeing Xigbar, my psychology teacher, as a therapist. Demyx' boyfriend is my psychologist/therapist. But he won't tell him anything I say, and Demyx wouldn't want him to even if he tried. Demyx is nice like that.

There was a lot of sickness for a while, after I stopped the pills. A lot of dizziness, a lot of throwing up and a lot of coughing. It was bad, but Axel was there for me. And Xion and Namine, and everyone. I have a lot of friends, and they're there for me when I need them.

I'm back in school, and struggling to catch back up, but I'll be okay. I'll make it. I know I will, I have to. What other option is there? And with my friends, with everyone helping me, I know it'll be okay.

I don't need the pills anymore, or the White. I'm remembering who I am, I'm remembering bits and pieces. Therapy is helping. But my friends are helping more. Sometimes it's too hard, and I get the urge to find my pill bottle. To take them, to forget and not think and just go into the Gray, but I don't. It hurts them too much. I've hurt them enough. They care so much.

I don't need the White anymore. Not when I have my friends. My brother, my sister. I just need to get better, and it'll take time, but I know I can do it.


End file.
